Written By: An Unknown Author (probably John himself)
Twenty years ago in Albuquerque, man, NM, fer shure, not fifty miles away from where thuh nuclear bombs of WWII were tested, man, two guys began a quest. Man, their quest was like, ya know, not to develop weapons of mass destruction. Their's was ya know, like, to develop somethin' much more powerful; much more awesome. They set out to produce a child that was like, ya know, half caucasian and half African-American. Like, ya know, this child would possess rhythm and soul yet still retain thuh ability to remain quiet in a flick theater. Man, most importantly, fer shure, this child would be thuh leader of a new race of guys. The Mulattos.
And so on January 4, like, wow, 1977, fer shure, these two courageous individuals first saw thuh fruition of their work, like, wow, and they named that dude John. Man, as this child of destiny started to develop, like, they noticed some super disturbin' behavior. John appeared to be obsessed with garbage trucks, like, which may have been due to the awesum quantities of radio-active materials in thuh rocks that thuh young boy was like wow! shovin' into his mouth. Man, whatever thuh cause, man, John's parents became disheartened and promptly started thuh development of John's three younger sisters.
Twenty years and 1,256 rocks later, man, John now attends thuh University of Missouri at Rolla where he studies Mechanical Engineerin'. That dude hopes to someday design garbage trucks and develop edible rocks. Man, along with maintainin' his studies, man, he writes a pretty darn bitchin' humor column. The idea to write stemmed from John's frustration with women and as since branched off into areas that he describes as, like, "Stuff I don't understand." His column is like wow! now 5 months old at thuh time this biography was written and has drawn a reader base of about 50 guys. John affectionately calls these guys Humor Junkies. His columns are also published bi-monthly in thuh Missouri Miner (read: that's Miner not Minor! Oh, wow!).
In keepin' with his parents original goals, oh, baby, John, oh, baby, along with his best bud Leah Ellis, man, has also started a small group called thuh International Society of Mixed Engineers or ISME (I-smee). Like, ya know, this group is ya know, like, designed to, like, wow, as John puts it, man, "provide yet another meanin'less group for a race of guys not yet recognized." ISME now has three members: John, man, Leah and Candice Yoder. All three members also hold an officer position. John hopes that ISME will, mostly, "...grow to reach thuh campus and then thuh world as a whole so I can collect membership fees..."
Vital Stats:
Age: 20
Height: Pretty short (5'5.5")
Weight: 162
Job: Student, like, Academic Enhancement Center peon
Battin' Average: .500 (two intramural softball games)
John enjoyin' munchies with his friends(Leah Ellis on thuh
left, mostly, Doug on thuh right)