Cats. Love. Issues at opposite ends of the spectrum, obviously. Yet he deals with them so cleverly. Who? That John guy. He writes what I thought was a weekly column. A humor column. A little levity in this Rolla life of mine. But it wasn't a bit humorous when I opened my Miner to page 7 last Wednesday and couldn't find the column. I scoured page after page--tossing newsprint aside in my quest to find John's humor column. When the dust settled I was left with...nothing. Across the room, my roommate's boyfriend was struggling to deal with the same blow that I had just been dealt.

Fade to Physics lecture. Searching for answers, I discussed the issue with a couple of nearby friends. One of them had some inside information: John's contract with the Miner requires him to produce only two columns a month. I demand a contract renegotiation. Double his salary. Hire someone to do his homework. And rewrite his contract so that his humor column is mandatory in every issue of the Miner. The public demands quality and quantity. Give us John's humor column or you might as well not bother to go to press with your newspaper!

Elisa Armstrong
(Humor Junkie for life!)

Dear Elisa,

Thank you so much for you complete outrage. It warms my heart to see a Humor Junkie so strung out that she would go so far as to threaten a college newspaper. Its a powerful lesson that I think we can all learn a little from.

Because of your loyal dedication, I hereby knight you Sir (or Madam) Elisa the Fiery One. Keep up the good work and you will soon see yourself ascending the ladder of greatness among your peers, the other Humor Junkies.

As the Chinese proverb goes, "As the flower grows in the field, so too will your head grow with attention." Its helped me in my life. Thats why I'm so dang wonderful!

Perhaps others among the ranks of the Humor Junkies will rise as well. It is the only way that we will take over the world and overthrow the works of the Evil One: Bob Sagat.

So if any of you have additional feedback and attention to lavish upon my humble head, please send it this way. I'll give it a good home!

As for what I was doing instead of submitting an article for the Minor...er Miner, I was busy doing a pointless Physics assignment. I have enclosed it below. It's got some confusing jargon in the beginning, but stick with it. It gets funny at the end:

Physics Assignment #D

Objective: To examine the feasibility of using a capacitor to replace the battery in a car.

Blah Blah Blah....

Conclusion:

A car battery produces 2.16E6 Joules of energy, but it comes in a much smaller package than a capacitor. It is quite obvious that a capacitor that needs a plate area of 100,000,000,000 meters squared is ludicrous. A battery is much smaller and doesn't require the precision that a capacitor needs in order to maintain a plate separation measured in millimeters. While environmentally sound, the size would necessitate giant automobiles of monstrous proportions. This is potentially dangerous since the average street is not designed to support vehicles that are 316,000 meters wide, which is how wide they would need to be to carry these proposed mutant capacitors. Even if streets were designed to hold 316 km wide vehicles, our whole society would be forced to change. For instance, we would have to adjust to the idea of walking past our destinations to get to the driver's side of the car. People driving these monster cars would be environmentally sound and even politically correct, but stupid.

I would discuss this more in order to fill up the required two pages, but I think that you can see where that might lead. In conclusion, we as a society are better off without the menace of giant capacitors and this company might better spend its time researching better batteries and less time giving silly assignments like this.

I got a 70% on the paper. Perhaps I should just give up and pursue that English major...nah!

Keep looking toward the skies,

John Johnson
Fearless and Fervent Leader of the Humor Junkies