No, actually, I decided that there was only one possible path to take. Only one thing left for every desperate guy in America whose only hope for a date is to randomly ask every girl that he is half way attracted to. We need to start suing first! Yes, if we strike first, there is quite a bit less danger of a sexual harassment suit.

Girl: "Hi."

Me: "Call your lawyer."

Up until about five weeks ago, I made it a practice to start at least four random lawsuits a day. I was just looking out for myself. But things have recently gotten better since I've found someone special. Better yet, that someone is a very pretty girl! (Look out for the up-coming issues of the Adventures of Aqua-Girl) Everything was looking up. But then I read an amazing article about a ten-year-old boy who was sued by the parents of a girl that had asked him to kiss her on the cheek. Yes, she asked him to kiss her and the boy was left without an allowance for the rest of his life! It was then that I gave up on society for good and started looking for a nice used submarine.

You see, this problem, along with many other problems in our society can be traced back to our childhood development in America's public school system. That is why I blame all that is wrong in my life on school. In order for me to explain this fully, I need to take you back. Join me if you will, in an insightful look into the development of social skills of America's Youth.

My View of Social Darwinism (and how it has ruined my life...)

Our journey starts as far back as elementary school when for some strange reason girls hit puberty way ahead of boys. This "awakening", because it is not properly coordinated with that of a boys, really starts the process off on the wrong foot. Because, while girls are attracted to boys, boys are attracted to the female Go-Bot. And this therefore leaves the girls with just one option: To beat the crap out of young males.

This "pre-selection" process is further aided by the fact that in sixth grade, most girls are about two feet taller than the average boy. So on the brink of total annihilation, boys had to strike back. So this is what led to the development of "cooties" in the early 60's. This guaranteed a sort of Mutually Assured Destruction between the opposite sexes. The girls may beat the crap out every boy in their path, but with the risk of the release of deadly "cooties", and the insuing mass destruction of the next generation, made these acts of brutality become less attractive.

So by Junior high, direct contact between boys and girls had been cut. But this was about the same time that a select few males started poking their heads up above the proverbial slime and began to notice girls. Pre-pubescent man is born. But Prebee Man was a very frustrated species because they face persecution from both gigantic girls and boys with cooties. So in order to continue with their pursuit of the opposite sex, they were forced to develop a new form of communication: Notes.

This gave way to the passing of pieces of paper folded into microscopic origami. The earliest record of a note was found in an Egyptian pyramid. It read: "Do you like me. Yes |_| No |_| Check one." But even with notes, the fear of persecution was still very real. So an underground railroad was formed.

"Pssss. Pass this to Jill after class."

But with technology came a better way. Prebee Man had discovered the phone around 7th grade, or 700 B.C. In fact, the phone was discovered not by Alexander Graham Bell, but by his daughter, Debbie. The first phone conversation was:

Bob: "Uhhhhh...Hi Debbie..."

Debbie: giggling uncontrollably.

Bob: "So...whatcha doin'?"

Debbie: more giggling. "Nothin'."

Alexander Graham Bell: "Debbie, I need to use the...wait, what is that thing anyway?"

So with the phone, a new format for communication had to be developed. The progression is as follows (at least as far as I know.): The male must first ask the girl for her phone number. This is also called "gettin' tha digits." I was usually content to stop after this point and call it a win. It was usually stressful enough to just ask for a girl's number, never mind actually having to talk to the girl ever again. The next step is the hardest thing for a young male to have to go through. He must call the girl. This is where natural selection starts for there are many perils and pitfalls that Prebee Man must face. Here are a few:

a) Parent evasion

b) Sibling evasion

c) Visiting friend evasion

d) Your father's need of the phone

e) Actually thinking of something coherent to say

You see, part 'e' is what gave me the most problems. As a young teen (Prebee Man) I was not a very articulate suitor. Here's a sample of one of my first phone conversations:

Gina: "Hello."

Me: "Uh hi...I like swimming pools. Do you like them too?"

Gina: "Moooommmm! Its that guy again. Help me."

Me: "I like swimming pools..."

You see, it was after Charles Darwin saw his own son go through this process and actually survive that he developed his theory of Natural Selection. It was also why he promptly loaded his daughter onto a boat and spent the rest of his life in the Galapagos Islands studying parakeets, away from phones.

But don't get me wrong. This does not at all mean that I believe in Evolution. I've seen apes at the zoo and believe me, if I knew that I could win a girl over by rubbing her face in the ground, I would have reverted to that way of life long ago. As my research shows, the very first girl guy interaction was between Adam and Eve.

Adam: "Uhhh...is Eve there?"

God: "Wait just a second, let me see...EVE!"

Eve: "Hello."

God: "Get off soon honey I need the phone."

Eve: "Whatever."

God: "Now Eve, I mean it. Five minutes."

Eve: "Whatever Dad, OK."

God: "Don't get that attitude with me young lady. I brought you in this world..."

Eve: "Just stop it Dad. I swear--"

God: "That's it, out of my garden!"

Adam: "I like swimming pools..."

Thus endeth the lesson.