A Brief Look Back at High School

I often wish that my high-school existence was more like an Eighties movie. You know, high-school as it was in Farris Bueller's Day Off and Some Kind of Wonderful and The Breakfast Club. It would have been great to have my only worry be trying to impress Molly Ringwald and avoid getting beaten up by the "Jocks." My only classes would have been taught by future sit-com stars and I could get away with skipping entire days of school. My principal would have been my worst enemy and detention would be a life changing, cross cultural experience. Ahhh, the Eighties were great!

But unfortunately, my high-school years were very different from this. I never went to school with Emilio Esteves and I had annoying things like classes. I mean, who ever had time to try and win girls over. Winning a girl over in my high-school life was more or less not doing anything stupid around her in the 30 seconds that I saw her in a day.

Me: "Uhhh...hi Julie. Thats a nice, uhhh, band-aid there."

Julie: "I'm not Julie"

Me: "Uhhh...I meant--"

Girl thats not Julie: "Sorry, gotta go."

So there just wasn't time to "charm" a girl with witty remarks like in the movies. In fact, I don't know that I ever made a witty remark in all of my high-school career. I just mainly mumbled everything that I wanted to say but was to afraid to say. Things like:

Me: (mumbling inaudibly) "You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen."

Girl: "What? I'm in trouble for free? What does that mean? What did you--oops, better run!"

Another difference is the dances. In real high-school life, dances weren't "fun" or "things to be remembered." In the movies, they are often a central theme and a place for witty remarks to be made. Or at least a good fight where Kevin Bacon gets his face all red. But at my dances, there were security guards and music so loud that even if I tried to make a witty remark, no one could here it. Also, no one necessarily "danced." Well, except for the black people. So the whole dance consisted of the black guys dancing and everyone else gathered around them in awe.

Keep, in mind, that I was one of the people gathered around in awe. You see, while I look black, I have a unique syndrome called "I have a white parent." With this syndrome, the mixed child (me) looks black, but with none of the benefits. You see, I couldn't dance, sing, rap, or play basketball very well. Well, that's not entirely accurate. I actually couldn't dance at all.

This only complicated the high-school dance experience for me. I usually spent most of the dance in somewhere between paralysis and trembling like a leaf. It was usually so bad that I couldn't even walk for fear of everyone looking at me or trying to gather around me in awe.

"Hey, look, there's a black guy. Lets gather around him."

"Wait, is he dancing?"

"It looks like it. He's doing that new shaking-uncontrollably dance. Its all the rage!"

So there I would be, trembling from fear and embarrassment with a group of people trying to imitate me. It was a very rough time of my life. All I have to say is, thank goodness for slow dancing!

You see, for a guy who can't dance, slow dancing is a great deal. All you have to do is put your arms around a girl and move in slow circles. And if you're lucky, you may even get to touch her butt. This is a double bonus for a young adolescent guy! But I'm past that now because I'm older and more mature and...there aren't dances in college.

Disclaimer: The racial views of John Johnson are of the white side and in no way represent the black side which is bitter against everyone anyway and doesn't give a s*^%!