Every year the St. Pat's Committee here at the University of Missouri Rolla sell's their bright green St. Patrick's day celebration sweatshirts. Well, perhaps sell isn't quite the right term. To sell seems to imply a certain level of passivity or at least professionalism. But the St. Pat's Guys (SPeGs) essentially jump on your back, and as you carry them to class, ask the same series of questions: "Have you bought your St. Pat's green yet? There's only __ days left." or "Can you just drop me off here at the door?"

And its not just the fact that its the same series of questions that bothers me. It's the fact that the don't wait for your response. Because of their apparent oblivion, my friend Leah and I decided to do a little experiment. Here goes:

SPeG: "Have you bought your St. Pat's Green yet?"

Leah: "Screw you. I hate you and all that you stand for!"

SPeG: "You only have 364 more days left."

Me: "Do you mind if I hit you?"

SPeG: "Would you mind bending over so I can hop on your back?"

"BONK"

Strangely enough, the blow to his head didn't seem to phase the SPeG a bit. He just kept coming at me like the Terminator. No, seriously, I swear. Right before I got to class, he morphed into a puddle and yelled "I'll be...Hasta lavista maybe..." Well, he wasn't exactly like the Terminator, but it made a really cool hollow "bonk" when I hit him again.

So since these SPeGs seem to be invincible, two are currently being tested at the nuclear reactor, I'd like to offer these survival tactics (survival for your mind and soul that is):

1) The Excuses Approach: Not very effective since SPeGs have heard them all i.e. "I don't have any money.", "I already have two.", "I don't belie]ve in murder, but I'm flexible." But it is fun sometimes to lead them on. "Sure, I'd love one. But...first I need you to get on all fours and bark." They will do it, but it gets old after a while.

2) The Direct Approach: This is O.K., but don't show any weakness. SPeGs can smell fear and hesitation. Look them in the eye and scream "NNNOOOOO!". My roommate suggests waving garlic and crosses, but I don't think it helps. (see The Superstitious Method)

3) The Superstitious Method: There is no documented evidence that crosses, stakes, holy water, kryptonite, The Force, blood offerings or any other spiritual method will work. SPeGs, while not of this world, aren't of the supernatural world either, as strange as this may seem. The only thing that seems to repel them, or at least keep them away is to dress like them. But I wouldn't recommend this either.

4) The Active Approach: I don't normally condone profanity, but never ceases to warm my heart to see a sweet little girl scream "F___ you!".

5) The Good Defense is a Good Offense Method: Get pro-active. Try selling useless things to them:

SPeG: "Have your bought your St. Pat's green yet?"

Civilian: "No, but have bought your Valentines Day Chia Pet? There's only 245 days left!"

You must remember that all of my SPeG experience is from being continually hounded last year. They may have cleaned up there act this year. But then again, the season has only just begun...