I must admit that I have been having a pretty bad week. Oh no, you may think. John's not going to be funny if he's in a bad mood. But don't you worry your collective little heads. I find release through this column. I'll be stable as long as the computer doesn't crash. If it does--

Ok, I'm back. The computer did crash and I was forced to kill the lab monitor. So back to my bad week. First off, I failed my Calculus test. Secondly, I got rejected by enviro-girl.

I know what you're thinking: "NOOO, how could this happen. Everything seemed to be working so well. You must be crushed." Well, not too bad. It was only a 63 percent. And they were stupid integration mistakes. I know the material. Don't worry, my grade will be back up in no time.

What I'm actually the most upset about, believe it or not, is the Enviro-girl episode. As it turns out, I read her sign wrong. When I thought it said, "I like you as much as you like me. So ask me out.", it actually read, "I have a boyfriend." Go figure. But don't worry, I'm going to win here back with my wit and charming demeanor. For I have moved from a Steven Segal movie existence into a 80's teen flick existence.

No, I'm serious. When I stop and listen closely, I can distinctly hear Cindy Lopper in the background. I've also become attracted to girls with big hair, hot pink jean jackets, and leg warmers, but that's not important. What is important is, that just like in the 80's movie era, I believe that I can win enviro girl back to me by being the "nice guy."

But unfortunately, life is no longer like the 80's movie era. The era seemed to stop right around 1990 for some unexplainable reason. I think its because of the down period when Genesis broke up, personally. So, because its the 90's, and girls no longer like the "nice guy", I'll have to figure something else out.

But speaking of the 90's, let's talk about a phenomenon that I like to call "Love at UMR". But if you look at it from the girls perspective it's called "The deer caught in the headlights syndrome." Let me explain by sharing a little story with you.

I was walking along the other day and came upon a girl that was being hit upon by a young freshman suiter. He apparently was using the fact that since he and the girl had the same class together, that he would offer to help her with the homework. At any other campus his intentions could have seemed innocent. But this is UMR: Home of the depressingly lopsided girl/guy ratio. So, therefor, the girl had an expression on her face that was remarkably similar to a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. Only the deer was the poor girl, and the onrushing vehicle took the form of the eager freshman.

Freshman: "So...do you need help with Drafting homework? You can come by my place sometime and we can, you know, make some shapes."

Deer: "Wow, where did those lights come from? Why are there two? So...bright...can't seem...to move..."

Freshman: "So...can I have your number?"

Deer: "AAAAARRRRRGGGGGG..."

Luckily, being the stud that I am, stepped in at the last moment before collision. Actually the girl pretended that she was waiting for me and that she had to leave. For all of the girls that may be reading this, the deer in question did the right thing. Know your survival skills. I can't stress that enough. Don't be another statistic...