All of you males out there know exactly what I'm talking about. We are the "high-risk" group that insurance companies hate for some reason. Oh, just because we are "most likely" to drive recklessly. Just because statistically, we are "most likely" to try to break the sound barrier in a residential area. Just because the vast many of us are complete idiots on the road. ("Many" meaning those of us who are not in a coma.)

But should guys who are in a coma suffer because of the rest of the males out there who are able to drive? I think not! Why do I hold this view? you may ask. Well, mainly because I'm under 21 and not currently in a coma.

So who should be punished instead? I think the finger should be pointed sqarely at one group: Car Magazine Publishers. Yes, car magazines cause males to drive stupidly. Have you read one lately? Well, in case you haven't, let me summarize the typical car magazine for you.

First of all, the covers are usually littered with statements like,"The New C5 XTGT '98 Corvette! 0 to 60 in 0.9 seconds!" And then they have the nerve to put a picture of that Corvette on the cover, cresting a hill will all of its wheels off of the ground. And then innocent guys like me have no other choice but to buy the magazine.

Then on the inside there are usually editorials with such titles as "What the Government Isn't Telling You About Speed Laws" and "How I Drove From Michigan to California in 12 Hours!". But these articles are before the car reviews which inspire young guys even further by test driving suped up minivans that can go 400 mph.

But guys like me can't afford these super minivans. So after reading these testoserone-stirring articles, we have no other outlet but to get into our Toyota Tercels and see how fast it can go from 0 to 60. Silly and immature, isn't it? (Mine takes 11.1 seconds.)

And the police know that guys do this. So instead of doing important police stuff like arresting people who are wearing only their underwear (like on COPS), they instead hide and wait for little yellow Toyota Tercels (much like mine) to wiz by so they can give the male drivers speeding tickets.

Thats why I bought, dun dun duh, a radar detector!

Yes, I finally did it. I went out and bought a fuzz buster. Radar detectors come in many different shapes and sizes. And they usually have cool names like The Stalker or The Whistler and have aearodynamic shapes in order to deal with the high levels of air resistance encountered on the average dash board. But despite the different shapes and names, they all do one important thing: beep for no reason.

Well, at least that's what mine does. Actually, more specifically, mine beeps whenever I drive past a Wal-mart. I don't exactly know why it does this, but it does come in handy when I'm looking for a 20 acre-size Super Wal-mart. Man, those are hard to spot and dang if they aren't dangerous!

So basically, my radar detector sits on my dash board and beeps randomly for about 30 seconds. Even when driving in Illinois (Motto: We aren't happy until you fall asleep at the wheel). I can be driving past flat corn fields, and my detector will beep frantically as if trying to warn me about some stalk of corn that is emitting K-band radio waves.

Heaven forbid I not have my detector and I should get pulled over by one of these law-enforcing corn stalks.

Me: "Uh, is their a problem officer?"

Stalk of Corn: (Duh, it doesn't say anything. What made you think a stalk of corn could talk?)

Despite the short-comings of my radar detector, I'm still ticket-free. This may be due to the fact that I can't affort a faster car because I'm paying so much for insurance. It may also be because my car can't go much faster than 75 mph and can no longer truly "speed" due to the raised speed limit. But whatever the case may be, let me leave you with this thou--Ooo, my new Car and Driver is here! Whoa, the new Trans Am versus the Endeavor space shuttle! Woohoo!