But then one day I woke up and it hit me: There was something missing in my life. I hadn't had a pet in over three years (my apartment complex doesn't allow them) and I don't have any kids (not in this state anyway). I needed something that depended on me for survival. I needed...a plant!
Yes, I needed a plant. I figured, what the heck? They don't make noise, they don't need walks and they don't poop. They just were. And isn't that after all, the beauty of nature?
I've had plants before. The year was 1987. The mission: Win the science fair. Well, actually, my goal wasn't so much to win the fair. It was more like trying to see how much work I could pawn off onto my mom while spending as much time as I could playing Atari.
You know how it works. While Mom would be learning how to make series and parallel circuits, I would be playing an integral part in the never ending struggle that was G.I. Joe's life. It would be silly for the teachers to expect the kids to do all the learning. It was supposed to be a shared experience between parent and child. So Mom would do all the work, and I would throw G.I. Joe into the passing traffic. Ah, so many science fair memories.
But by fifth grade Mom had had it up to "here" (which incidentally was between her chin and collar) with doing all the work and only having four participation ribbons and one third place medal to show for it. I personally think that it should have been for the love of science, but she never saw it that way for some reason.
So for my fifth grade science fair project I was on my own. I decided to observe the effect of beer on plants. Brilliant, huh? But you have to realize a few things:
So after two months, I reported on my findings: Plants die with or without alcohol. The botany field was forever shaken.
Skip forward to 1997. I decided to get some plants. So I made a trip to the local Walmart (Motto: Proudly serving America's need to stand in line). But when I got to the garden department, I was overwhelmed at the variety of plants there were. Did you realize that there are over 20 different kinds of plants in the world? So I decided to ask one of the employees for some advice.
Me: "Um...I need a plant."
June: "Well, what kind of plant are you looking for? We have some nice perennials that just came in."
Me: "I need one that, you know, grows and stuff."
June was nice enough to realize that I had no idea what I was doing. So she took me around and showed me all of the wonderful plants on display. I decided on four different kinds: An African violet and three others that whose names I forgot. So I named them Leroy, Bob and Patty.
Everything was going great for the first week. Bob and Patty were starting to hit it off really nicely (Bob gave her flowers) and Leroy was quite fascinated with is African neighbor. But then one day tragedy struck. I woke up and opened the blinds to let some light in. Then I saw Bob. He was all bent over and limp. Patty let out a scream (plant scream that is). Bob was in trouble.
Instantly my CPR training from 9th grade health kicked into action. I looked, listened and felt for vital signs. I felt nothing. So I yelled, "Help, call EMS." Unfortunately, can you believe this, EMS doesn't treat plants! So I decided to call June at Walmart.
Me: "June you have to help. Bob is all limp and I think he threw up."
June: "Have you watered him lately?"
Me: "Um...water?"
Apparently most plants don't come pre-watered as I had assumed. That coupled with the low annual rainfall in my room led to Bob's condition. So I rushed Bob some water right away. Patty was grateful, but Leroy seemed to condemn for my actions. Leroy and I have some issues.
So Bob is fine now. He's recovering slowly, but he's a trooper and I think he'll make it. In fact I think it brought him and Patty closer together. As a matter of fact, I think it brought us all together as a family. Now if I could just get Leroy to stop making so much noise at night...