Poverty, College and the ATM Blues

I once read in the paper that there is a lot of poverty in the world. This article then went on to talk about "third world countries" and "war torn nations" and stuff. I don't know much about all that, but if you want to see poverty, you should just visit your local college campus.

Now, everybody makes jokes about college students being poor. Comedians do it, sitcoms do it, the French do it, heck, even college students do it. We all make our jokes, have a hardy laugh and go about our business. But what people continually fail to recognize is that college poverty effects the mind in some really scary ways.

Take me for instance. People always tell me, "You know John, I consider you to be the most average racially mixed humor columnist that I know." And that may well be true. On the outside. But on the inside, I'm not at all well. Let me explain.

Last weekend, I was driving home with a pizza (I could only afford one topping). As I was crossing an intersection, I nearly got blind-sided by an old lady in a mini-van. After she missed me by mere inches, the first thought through my head was not about my own safety or about how my life flashed before my eyes. No, my first thought was, "Man, I almost hit the jack pot back there!"

Let me point out some very important facts about that whole incident:

  1. I drive a small 1983 Toyota Tercel.
  2. That mini-van was about three times bigger than my car.
  3. The laws of physics would predict that my car would have been squished like a grape by that van.
  4. I'd do it all over again just to get paid.
This may strike you as rather shocking. But only if you are not in college. On the other hand, those of you who are in college right now are thinking, "Man, he almost hit the jack pot!" Yes, I drive around now just hoping that I'll get hit. But this isn't the saddest of stories.

Take for instance my best friend from Mizzou. Last year, in order to get gas money to drive to St. Louis and attend a birthday party, he had to sell blood. Yes, my friend was reduced to pimping his blood in order to get gas money. Man, that's just sad.

That's why I want to set up some sort of organinization to help college students. I can get Sally Struthers to do a commercial that would be aired on cable networks after midnight. You know the type:

I'd have Sally walking slowly through a dorm hallway lined with college students eating Raman noodles with their fingers. She'd then say something like, "For just pennies a day, you could bring hope to a college student. Please help end the suffering before young Johnny goes out and tries to get hit by a car."

She'd then start crying as the telephone lines would light up with rich people wanting to support young Johnny. It would be great! It's just too bad that I don't have the money to actually make the commercial!

I'm telling you, every time I go to the ATM machine, its like playing some sort of deranged game show. I put the card in and start chanting "Big money, big money, no whammies...Yes! Ten bucks!" It's actually kind of fun, except for when I get a whammie with a cute girl behind me. Man, there are so many better ways to impress a girl.

Unfortunately, sharing on cup of soda at a restaurant is not one of these ways. But that's what its come down to. Everything I buy, I end up using a weird "Value Meal" scale. I can't even pay the bill at a nice restaurant without thinking, "Hmm, $25, I could have bought 8 Value Meals for that!" I feel like leaving McDonald's coupons as a tip.

Believe me, it's not a pretty sight to see guys huddled over the Sunday paper fighting over coupons. But that's what college poverty has done to us. It's the only place in the world where you can find guys more interested in saving 50 cents on Lucky Charms than they are in the Sports section (well, not really, but I'm trying to make a point here).

So, for those of you not in college, be very careful the next time you laugh at a poor college student joke. Because this is a real problem. Just keep in mind, that for the price of a candy bar every day, you could keep young Johnny from forcing you to hit him in an intersection...if he can come up with the gas money. . .