Every year starting around April, the St. Pat's Committee here at the University of Missouri Rolla sell's their bright green St. Patrick's day celebration sweatshirts. You see, the students in Rolla celebrate this holiday in rememberence of St. Patrick who built a bridge and therefore became the patron saint of engineering. He also drove all of the snakes out of Ireland by trying to sell them sweatshirts and therefore became the patron saint of overly agressive sales tactics. And today's St. Pat's Committee is doing its job to preserve this tradition.

My problem, however, is not that they carry on this tradition with such dedication. Its that I don't want to buy a sweatshirt. There, I said it. I don't want one. Is that so wrong?

Apparently it is wrong. But those of us that don't want a sweatshirt get the same punishment that those who buy the shirts every year. You know the routine. They jump on your back, and as you carry them to class, ask the same series of questions: "Have you bought your St. Pat's green yet? There's only __ days left." and "Can you just drop me off here at the door?"

Ok, ok, I know that there are those of you out there that are angry for me talking bad about the St. Pat's traditions. I do believe that these people should be commended for standing out in the rain, snow and apathy day after day. They are a tenatious and roudy lot, completely dedicated to one unifying goal (I have no idea what that goal is, but man, they stick to it). Its just that, well, quite frankly I wish they would leave me the heck alone.

But perhaps its not my place to fully understand why they do what they do. I'm just an observer, if you will. A sort of fly on the wall that merely comments and complains about things that I don't quite understand. So in keeping with that role, I will now offer the following ways to approach a St. Pat's guy without buying a sweatshirt:

1) The Excuses Approach: Not very effective since the sweatshirt guys have heard them all i.e. "I don't have any money.", "I already have two.", "I don't believe in murder, but I'll learn." But it is fun sometimes to lead them on. "Sure, I'd love one. But...first I need you to get on all fours and bark." They will do it, but it gets old after a while.

2) The Direct Approach: This is O.K., but don't show any weakness. Sweat- shirt guys can smell fear and hesitation. Look them in the eye and scream "NNNOOOOO!". My roommate suggests waving garlic and crosses, but I don't think it helps. (see The Superstitious Method)

3) The Superstitious Method: There is no documented evidence that crosses, stakes, holy water, kryptonite, The Force, blood offerings or any other spiritual method will work. Sweatshirt guys, while not of this world, aren't of the supernatural world either, as strange as this may seem. Besides, the sweatshirt guys are single-mindedly dedicated to their goal of whatever and will not be detered by the vain actions of mere mortals.

4) The Active Approach: I don't normally condone profanity, but never ceases to warm my heart to see a sweet little girl scream "F___ you!".

5) The Good Offense is a Good Defense Method: Turn the tables by trying selling useless things to them:

Sweatshirt guy: "Have your bought your St. Pat's green yet?"

Civilian: "No, but have bought your Valentines Day Chia Pet? There's only 335 days left!"

Keep in minde, however, that these tactics may not work for everybody. And while I sit here and complain and make fun of these guys, there will alway be those who do actually want a sweatshirt. These are the people that keep the hope alive. The hope that someday in the future that I will get to make fun of the St. Pat's sweatshirt guys again!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!