But as I say this, I can almost hear all of you cat sympathizers out there. You know who you are. You are the ones that are angry right now. But you sympathizers should know, while you have your right to be upset at my hatred towards acts, that I don't care. I don't like cats. But what about kittens? you may ask. Well, kittens are okay, but they have one major short coming: They eventually turn into cats.

You see, the problem with cats is that they don't care about you. A cat could have no legs and no teeth, completely depend on its owner to feed it through a tube, and not care if the owner lives or dies. Every so often you read or hear about some cat that saves its owner's life by dialing 911 or something. The owner is invariably near tears while recounting the courage of Fluffy or Snowball. But look at the cat while they tell the story. If you look closely enough, you can actually see the cat thinking, "I was that close to getting out of here."

In fact, that's all that cats really care about. Their entire domestic existence is based upon escaping from the house. For example, my friend is a cat owner. She is constantly going on and on about how her cat "loves" her and "cares" for her. She'll then cite, as an example of this alleged love, the fact that her cat is rubbing against her leg. Well, if thats a sign of love, then that cat is ready for a long term relationship with the back door.

That cat will spend approximately 90% of the time that it is awake (about 20 minutes) rubbing its body against the back door. When its not rubbing against the door, it is staring at the door. But my friend will insist that the cat does not want out because it "loves" her. Every so often she'll open the door and you'll see this blur of "loving" fur rush through the crack at light speed. At that point my friend then has to get her coat, find her car keys and buy another cat.

This is because this cat will not return. This is despite all the love, care and shelter that you provide for it. The cat would rather be out in the cold, barely staying alive on what they find in trash cans than in the house with a human. Its a proven fact that cats consider themselves higher than humans. Its also a fact that cats lack a soul. Dogs on the other hand have a soul. But this soul is there in place of the dog's brain. But I'd rather have a pet without a brain than without a soul.

For instance, one night my family saw an episode of Rescue 911 in which William Schatner narrates a touching story of a dog saving it's owner's life. As the gripping re-enactment went, the owner was at home alone when she had a heart attack. At the same time, a burglar was attempting to break in and the kitchen was on fire. Butch the dog, while not exactly understanding in his tiny mind that something was going wrong, none the less sensed in his dog soul that his owner was in severe danger. Butch then dialed 911 (after licking the burglar to death) and communicated via Morse code the whole situation to the emergency dispatcher.

Keep in mind that Butch did all of this despite his lack of brain (and despite William Schatner's voice in the background). A cat on the other hand would not care if its owner were on fire. Once the burglar opened the door, Fluffy, using its well developed brain, would assess the situation and promptly run out the door never to be seen again.

Granted, dogs will occasionally run away. For instance, my dog Teddy would every so often get loose when she got the chance. But when she "ran away", it usually involved the long journey from the back yard gate to the front door. She would then sit patiently on the door step until one of us found her there. She would then look up at us with this proud (for a dog) look on her face that seemed to say, "Look what I did!" We'd then all have a hardy laugh and drag her back to the back yard. I love dogs!

I hate cats! This sentiment was further reinforced by a letter to Ann Landers that I read in the St. Louis Post Dispatch (No, I don't normally read Anne Landers, so shut up). It was innocently enough entitled "Cat Bites Can Be Dangerous." But as I read the article, I became very frightened. Let me give you a few snippets from this shocking letter:

"...Last year, my cat bit me on the arm as I was brushing her (yet more proof that cats hate their owners). I developed flu symptoms...[and] my husband rushed me to the hospital where a doctor diagnosed Pasteurella."

Okay, seem kind of strange? Well check this out:

"I had major surgery and was on kidney dialysis and a respirator. Eventually, I needed to have my legs amputated below the knees." (I am not making this up!)

At this point, I was waiting for advice on how to effectively dispose of a cat, but it never came. The owner went on to say:

"...I can now walk quite well with my new legs...Please tell your readers if they are bitten by a cat to (offer it up in a ritualistic sacrifice)."

Okay, okay that last part was added by me. But I think that this article speaks volumes about this evil species. But I don't suppose that any of this has helped convince any of you cat sympathizers to get rid of your cats and change your ways. But whether you change or not, your cat still hates you!