Many of you that are reading this column right now are probably thinking, "Doesn't this guy realize that Valentine's Day was last week?" But you'll have to understand that I am writing this column as a sort of public service to those who right now are thinking, "Ohmigod, I missed Valentine's Day!"

It is this tendency for many people to forget about this particular holiday that made me start to ask some questions. Things like: "If this is some sort of 'holiday', then where is the parade? Where is my day off? Who the heck was St. Valentine?"

But you have to be careful asking these questions lest you be labeled a "Valentine's Day Heretic" or worst, a "Party Pooper". I personally fear for my life because I feel as if I'm messing with something pretty big here. Every year around this time, I have to watch my back while I'm walking alone, check my phone for wire taps and stay at home at night. I keep expecting to be arrested by some sort of Valentine's Gestapo for my lack of Valentine's Spirit.

This probably stems from an event that occurred during my last serious relationship. The girl that I was dating was apparently part of this Gestapo or at least a Valentine's sympathizer. For the six months leading up to V-day, I had been an exceptional boyfriend, going well beyond my defined duties as a guy. I held doors, paid for dinners, and even took an active role in our monthly anniversary celebrations (flowers and what not). But one year I forgot Valentine's day.

You'll have to realize that there were many factors that contributed to my memory lapse. Namely, the fact that there was the big Missouri/Kansas game on TV. So when I realized that I had forgotten, I panicked and got her the first gift that was available: A package of pencils. But in my defense, they were very nice pencils, the kind that click, that I had just bought on the way over to her house and I only used two of them. But apparently the damage was done and I had been scarred for life.

So, for all of you out there that have gone through similar situations and are among the doubters, you may now rest easy because I have done research! I looked carefully into the history of this supposed holiday to uncover some uncomfortable truths. I wish to now take this opportunity to reveal: (dun dun duh) The V-Files.

Valentine's day was actually set up in the 1860's in response to the Great Red Dye Crisis of 1862. This little known crisis is often forgotten because it took place during the same period as the "Civil War" (one of those really big wars). You see, the government, in response to the fact that the red dye industry was losing money at an alarming rate, instituted a day in which the industry could make up for it's losses in one day. (It was also a chance for the Sickeningly Sweet Crappy Candy Industry to make up for its losses as well.)

In fact, the word Valentine is derived from the two Latin words "valius" which means "excuse" and "entineous" which means "to sell useless cutsie stuff." So unlike Halloween and Labor Day, which were started for the worthy purpose of pagan worship, Valentine's Day was started for the sake of corporate greed.

But this is not to say that Valentine's Day hasn't gone far to help mold who we are as a society. For example, without Valentine's Day, we would have never had helium-filled aluminum foil balloons. You know, the kind that float for approximately a generation in the corner of your girlfriend's room? It was one of these balloons, that in the late 1940's was mistaken for a UFO in Roswell, New Mexico. For nearly a decade, scientists believed that the first message from outer space was "Will U B Mine?"

And speaking of cheesy sayings, where would we be as a society without the development of those little heart candies that say things like "Kiss Me" and "UR Neat"? I remember those candies from my grade school days. Every year we would have a Valentine's Day party (not to mention parties for Columbus Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Secretaries' Day, and Canada Day). We would make little mail boxes out of construction paper until recess and later fill them with cheesy little cards and those wonderfully sweet little candies.

Then I would always debate whether or not to give the teacher a Valentine. For in doing this, one takes the risk of being called "teacher's pet". Plus there was always the fear of contracting the dreaded "Teacher's Cooties" which were supposed to be the worst strain of cooties known to man. But I always liked my teacher because she smelled good. What a dilemma!

Ah, it was so easy back then because the teacher would always help you remember. But now that we are older, it is up to us to remember. But wait, there is a happy ending to all of this. Just remember that even though Valentine's Day may have a somewhat questionable history, not to mention a secret police force, that we can still have fun with it. For example, those little heart-shaped red hots make excellent projectiles. Plus, did I mention that I actually had a date this year? I even remembered to celebrate on time.

She really liked the pencils.