Throughout nature, you can see that God equipped male animals to deal effectively with the problem of attracting the opposite sex. Peacocks have colorful feathers, birds have beautiful songs, and dogs, well, dogs sniff each other's butts. But all of these methods work, because year after year you see baby peacocks, birds and more dogs sniffing more butts.

To illustrate this natural phenomenon, I would like to cite the example of Lucky the dog. Lucky was a male chiuawa that was appoximately the size of the average peanut only less furry. Lucky thought of himself as a pretty studly dog among his peers despite his size and nervous habits, and therefore saw no problem with hitting on my family's german shepard mix named Teddy. Every day when Lucky got the chance, he would run across the street (which for him was approximately the equivalent of seven human miles) and court Teddy in his pre-programmed natural dog way: By sniffing Teddy's butt. Or attempting to, but for a dog Lucky's size this was lofty goal at best.

My point here is that Lucky, who was about as attractive in dog terms as Bob Sagat, had a reliable plan for hitting on and impressing any female that he wished to. In fact, the only thing that preventing him from scoring with Teddy was the fact that Lucky was the size of Teddy's toenail.

But the first thing that I noticed in my studies is that most human guys have no idea how to impress women. When I say most guys, I mean everybody except guys with girl-friends, married guys and Tom Selek. For everyone else, it seems that we are part of God's great science experiment to see just how far the human race will go without a clue. So far we've made it pretty far, but there are plenty of side effects.

For example, this past weekend I was at a basket-ball game with a couple of friends. We were all pretty calm (the game wasn't all that exciting) and were pretty well behaved (quiet farting only). The same can be said for the group of fraternity guys sitting below us. That is until a group of beautiful women decided to sit near us. Near being twelve rows down. Despite the distance, their presence sparked a noticeable change in our guy-behavior.

This change was first noticeable when one of the frat guys stood up and yelled "YOU SUCK!" I don't know who he was addressing, seeing as the game was in the middle of a time-out, but he sounded like he really meant it. Not to be out-done by this brilliant statement in the presence of pretty women, one of my friends, apparently struck with inspiration and wit stood up and yelled, "YOU SUCK, REF!" My friend then looked at the rest of us with a look of confidence that spoke, "How'd you like that?"

The frat guy was thoroughly impressed with my friend's addition to his well-articulated statement and looked back with a look that seemed to say, "Good one, man!" The two groups had now bonded and were going to win the female group's attention with a team effort unmatched even on the court. Not that this team effort mattered to the group of girls. But then, out of the blue, a guy from the next section over stated out loud, and I quote, "WOOOOOOHHOOOOOO! Yeah!" This had its desired effect, and one of the women gracefully stood up, puckered her lips and whistled for security.

You see, the males in question here where doing the best that they knew how. Yelling at the referee was their way of showing off their feathers. Later that night, they were probably sat around and bragged about how those women gave them "play" and that they would have asked for a phone number but they had nothing left to prove. I know this because I really didn't have anything left to prove.

This lack of an ability to properly court females is the main reason that men black out when a beautiful woman comes within 50 feet of them. Women can't understand why this happens because they know exactly what to do when a studly guy walks by: Make eye contact and talk like a human being. Guys on the other hand blank out because the normal response mechanism that should give them instructions is missing. So women, don't ask a guy what he thought he was doing when he was looking at another woman. Because the truth is, we really don't know.

For this reason, I think that it would benefit all of us to revert back to the elementary school method of courtship. In fifth grade, if you wanted a girl's attention you simply hit her. If she hit you back, you were in. If she told, then she was a tattle tale and it was over between the two of you. And when a girl became your girl-friend, there were no complications such as communication, dates, or annaversaries. And after about three weeks you both forgot that you were "going out" and you moved on to the cute girl that eats paste. It was perfect back then.

But since I've reached "adulthood" things are much more complex. Its a rough world out there for us single guys. But women, don't give up on us. Maybe God will grow weary of this little experiment and give us our brains back. But until then: Hey REF! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO! Yeah.