Twenty yea's ago in Albuquerque, NM, not fiddy miles away fum where da damn nuclear bombs uh WWII wuz tested, two sucka's began some quest. But deir quest wuz not t'develop weapons uh mass destrucshun. Deir's wuz t' develop sump'n much mo'e powerful; much mo'e awesome. What it is, Mama! Dey set out t'produce some child dat wuz half caucasian and half African-American. 'S coo', bro. Dis child would possess rhydm and soul yet still retain de ability t'remain quiet in some movie deater. Ah be baaad... But most impo'tantly, dis child would be da damn leada' of some new race uh sucka's. De Mulattos.

And so's on January 4, 1977, dese two courageous individuals fust saw de fruishun uh deir wo'k, and dey dojiggerd him John. 'S coo', bro. But as dis child uh destiny started t'develop, dey noticed some real disturbin' behavio'. Raz'tus appeared t'be obsessed wid garbage trucks, which may gots' been due t' de large quantities uh transista'-active materials in de rocks dat da damn yung boy wuz shovin' into his moud. But whuteva' de cause, John's parents became disheartened and promptly started da damn development uh John's dree yunga' sisters.

Twenty years and 1,256 rocks later, Raz'tus now attends de University uh Missouri at Rolla where he studies Mechanical Engineerin'. He hopes t'someday design garbage trucks and develop edible rocks. But along wid maintainin' his studies, he scribbles some pretty darn baaaad humo' column. 'S coo', bro. De idea t' scribble stemmed fum John's frustrashun wid honky chicks and as since branched off into areas dat he describes as, "Stuff ah' duzn't dig it." 'Sup, dudes column be now 5 monds old at da damn time dis biography wuz written and gots'ta drawn some reada' base uh about 50 sucka's. Raz'tus affecshunately calls dese sucka's Humo' Junkies. 'Sup, dudes columns are also published bi-mondly in de Missouri Mina' (read, dig dis: dat's Mina' not Mino'. Right On! ).

In keepin' wid his parents o'iginal goals, John, along wid his best bud Leah Ellis, gots'ta also started a little-ass grodown called da damn Internashunal Society uh Mixed Engineers o' ISME (I-smee). Dis grodown be designed to, as Raz'tus puts it, "provide yet anoda' meanin'less grodown fo' some race uh sucka's not yet recognized." ISME now gots'ta dree members, dig dis: John, Leah and Candice Yoder. Ah be baaad... All dree members also hold an offica' posishun. Raz'tus hopes dat ISME will, "...grow t'reach de campus and den de wo'ld as some whole so's I kin collect membership fees..."

Vital Stats, dig dis:

Age, dig dis: 20
Height, dig dis: Pretty sho't (5'5.5")
Weight, dig dis: 162
Job, dig dis: Student, Academic Enhancement Centa' peon
Battin' Average, dig dis: .500 (two intramural softball games)

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