12.29.2005 - go toward the light
go toward the light
-------------------
A ghost followed me today
as I walked anxiously around my room
it followed close by
my left side
and whispered in my ear
just when I though it had gone
as I was sitting down at my desk
"come here!"
I turned my head around
moving fast as broken glass
and I know I felt it brush my cheek
unshaven as it was
the tiny coarse hairs
bristled at it's touch
feeling minty cool
and alert
like aftershave
or witchhazel
astringent
cheek puckering
touch.
And so I cried out
"Who's there?"
and cast about
upturning my chair
a wind from the window
blowing the papers from
my desk.
I swear I saw a shadow move
near the far side of the room
where the light was not strong
and I went to investigate it
as I leaned down to inspect the floor
dust not unsettled
stillness impecible
and a bit of hair caressed my
left cheek
in the area still tender
from that cooling touch.
"come here!"
in my right ear,
but louder than before
a statement
a need
not perilous
but desperate
crying for help
one last try.
Then I understood.
I said... "Where?!"
"Where shall I go?
"How can I help?"
"Show me!!!"
And then the wind blew strong
the papers flew wild
my pen fell to the floor
my phone rang wildly
and the door opened.
I walked through it.
I saw three blue flashes of light
quick in succession
small, like the glint from a coin
by the door
that kept the street
three meters away.
I walked through it.
It was raining
raining quite hard
though it had not been before
and it was dark
though it was midafternoon
when I'd sat at my desk
and it was cold
though it was but midsummer
But I did not care
I walked
drawn like a horse on reign
to the east
and to the north
and to the east
once again.
Until I came to a river
that which defines our
small city's boundry
and provided
in the past
industry and life
but now
is just a tourist
attraction
where lovers
young and inexperienced
test the waters
of touching for pleasure
and those other waters
of drinking for pleasure
and often find themselves
wondering
why they are there
doing that.
But I did not wonder
I was not there for that
and I've know
for some time now
where that leads
So I stopped
and listened.
And I heard...
windchimes
ringing clear like bells
gently tinkling
in chaotic melodious
wonderment of sound
filling the air
tactile music all around
I sat
down.
On the wet cold ground
and I laughed
because I knew
suddenly
then
I knew
who
the voice I heard was
why it didn't scare me
why I followed it
I followed it because
it was my own
my voice
crying so loud
from inside
from the future
from the cruel truth
of what will happen to me
if I stay alone
in that room
at home
and wait for the phone
and wait for you
to let me know
what you will never admit
that i'm fated for
leaving
and you can't submit
to a future of me
and so
you leave.
And of course I understand
because even I can't stand
a future of me
held in my hands
all my dreams ruined
but planned
and you beside me
failed and
our child
unplanned
as we struggle for
what?
for happiness and love
for the coo of a white dove
and only find
rotting fruit rinds.
dirty kitchen floors
and the vast unknown
of a future of me
lost in the beauracracy
of life in modern tones
of failure and alone
bound by fear
hatred and frustration
so many wrongings
committed in earnest
burning pictures in the furnace
"Stop now!"
Says the voice in my ear
before you end up here
save us
save me
save you
savour life
breathed anew
or die
now
in the dark
blue
punctuated
water
of a river
beaten by rain.
I pick up my phone
quiet again
and call
to hear
nothing
you're not near
it's over
really.
this time
it's over
all of it
me... you
but me more so
than you
as you
move towards the light
while the darkness
consumes me
and ghosts of the past
and future to be
follow closely
whispering dark truths
to me.
so be it.